| waking up with energy |
[Jul. 2nd, 2009|12:24 am] |
mom had 2nd chemo trial other day. four more to go.
and got a neat arm brace thanks to some peeps advice.
it eases muscle wrist pain (plus it makes me look like I have ninja armor)
hopefully I can draw and load drawings here again.
sorry for the oddball and emo entries lately. |
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| son, i am dissappoint |
[Jun. 30th, 2009|06:21 pm] |
this is a little insignificant and not as serious biznezz as certain other things, but nonetheless a little interesting.
wow you guys, i got trolled a little bit on youtube (i think)? though this time not by a 12 year old twilight fangirl for me defending a friend. it was regarding the oh so sensitive issue of the avatar live action movie.
the comment touched my heart so gently . i almost had no words for how beautiful and eloquent it was.
so i posted this very random reaction vid (only public vid where I show my unholy face) i think about a week ago regarding the last airbender movie just for fun and possibly racefail discussion aaaand
(look at the recent comment on my vid below)
i know it's not a good idea to save these things, and it wasn't even providing a very good argument but it was so full of delicious racism, it should be saved as an artifact for wholesome family fun and educational purposes.
i think he may be trolling certain parts of the racebending group on youtube too. lol oshit
parentheses laugh |
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| Lola |
[Jun. 27th, 2009|12:54 am] |
I think I'm going to make this a dream journal. All non private entries anyway.
____________________________
I slept early.
And between the hours of 9:00 and 12:45, I had a dream. About my late grandmother.
I was in the bathroom, it was night time and I was brushing my teeth and combing my hair. The door was closed because apparently in my dream my mother was throwing a small birthday party for one of the neighbors.
In that bathroom, the lightbulb was broken so everything in the room was dark, and I was doing these tasks thanks to the light of my cell phone.
Then my grandmother appeared.
It was not scary at all. She was wearing earrings and makeup and looking well. The light of the cellphone was making soft shadows on the contours of her face.
It was as if she had never died and I had a casual conversation with her.
(When I younger, and before she had her stroke, I always looked up at her as if she were a mystical wise woman. Even after her stroke, I still did.
She could see through EVERYTHING I said or did and understood my full intention or sincerity. My grandmother She was magical like that. I have not seen her since seven years ago. I wasn't able to see her when she died. I love her very much. I wish I could have been with her.)
So then in the dream, She told me that the universe told her my actual biological age was 37. I frowned, embarrassed and started to pick at my nails. But she smiled and told me "a little sleeping earlier, better diet and exercise should make it match".
I then asked her what my mother's actual biological age was and she paused and said sadly:
"as of this moment, twelve hundred."
"is it because she is sick?"
"Yes"
Then we talked about something I can't remember from the dream. Probably something to shoot the breeze or to change the subject before.
She then told me she had to leave.
I started crying immediately.
"Please don't leave yet. I miss you so much. I just got to talk to you. And mommy misses you everyday. Have you spoken to her yet?"
"We talk everyday. She worries about you a lot."
"I have so many questions."
"Go ahead while you can, I'm on my way but I'm not leaving yet" Her physical manifestation was starting to fade.
"How do I... take away this pain from my heart?"
"I can't answer that for you, but there is a beauty in there as well. Transform this pain and use it for something beautiful and creative. Then maybe someday you'll understand a little better" She hugged me and then said "But I want to ask you a favor. You're going to be okay if you work just as hard as you dream."
"I know, I know."
"The favor is that I want you to look after your mom for a while for me. Just be there for her and listen to her even when you're upset and bogged down. Try not to tune it out"
"okay"
"I'll be here. I'll see if I can visit again someday. I love you, baby."
And she was gone. The room was dark.
I cried hard.
I then dreamt about some other irrelevant things. Something about me embarrassing my mother in public. Which is stupid of dream-me regarding that I just dreamt of my grandma telling me to do the exact opposite.
The dream scene then switched from me being in the bathroom, to me being in bed, dreaming of waking up in the middle of the night and checking my watch. I dreamt that it was 10:30.
I then woke up for real and checked my watch, it was 1:00.
...I'm filling some of the gaps in my brain for this dream.
But it feels a little more than like a dream. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 24th, 2009|06:06 am] |
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Everything is different. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2009|02:02 am] |
I feel different yet the same.
But that doesn't make it any less stupid or horrifying.
I have to get out of this rut, and finish stuff, and out of this mindset and back into the old worlds
Even if some of them seem far away.
If I do this, then I'll be able to help her more. Then she can depend on me. |
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| Avatar Photoshop Vid |
[Feb. 13th, 2009|11:04 pm] |
Some drawings I did on Hypercam/Photoshop.
The test for the software assignment went well, and the doodles were fun.
Even if they were off model D:
Dang, I'm out of practice.
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| Time |
[Feb. 8th, 2009|06:22 am] |
The lack of activity:
I'm going to give myself a few moments a day to just dig into the farther recesses of my brain, so I can get beyond the usual repeating movements of everyday.
By doing so, I will pull myself out of this and at least be able to keep promises to myself and others, though I have not been able to do so in the past. For that I am sorry.
Because I now know what it is like to have someone not keep their promise to you.
On an Avatarded* note:
Where I work, we had a few people/customers/ come in with the following names:
"Katara"
"Zhao"
"Yue"
all on the same week.
At my current job, I also work for someone named:
Dr Wangfire
No kidding.
*For the record, I noticed that a couple people get offended (?) by the use of the term "Avatarded", I can see why. Though the origin of the word in the early days of the early 1sst Avatar season was taken from "Narutard" http://fc44.deviantart.com/fs4/f/2004/265/e/0/narutard.swf
and later spread to the first messageboards such as tv.tome.com and Distant Horizon.
So far, I've not seen people who use the term in an offensive manner as much as referring to themselves and other fellow fans in a humorous/self-depreciating though affectionate way.
I'm going to try to refrain from using this term as loosely, but to those who are offended, the term is not related to offend anyone with special needs. That's all. : ) |
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| wordle |
[Dec. 30th, 2008|01:12 am] |
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| Happy Holidays |
[Dec. 25th, 2008|12:38 am] |
A time when your human capacity to love and to think of those over yourself is valued and cherished.
Thank you all for bearing with all my all that emo and angst lately, and hope you all have a safe and blessed holiday season.
I will have art and comics and gifts for ya'll soon, no worries.
No, really. :)
The holidays are inspiring.
-Kim. |
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| Sleeping |
[Dec. 9th, 2008|01:09 am] |
I would have to admit that some things are becoming difficult these days to the point where it's even hard to think about Christmas.
I would also admit that something else becomes hard to think about because it's about that time after Christmas.
But it doesn't pay to be depressive about these things after they've happened, but sometimes it can't be helped, though one has to support other people and help them out.
...It is sad.
I have to admit I am sad.
The place I like to go to during times like this are the places I visit when I sleep.
But the most special place is where I don't have to think of myself. I think of stories where people were even sadder, but were SOMEHOW able to get through it.
Even if I am not those people, their stories are inspiring.
I motivate myself with the idea that someday I can make a picture story of these feelings: a time and place when I lived in my dreams and I lived through them with others.
Even just a simple story.
With pictures.
Someday.
But at least finals are almost over, and I found an older part of myself. I hope I keep the younger part.
There's always something to laugh about, to remind me to take things a bit more lightly. |
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| The dream |
[Nov. 2nd, 2008|06:33 pm] |
I had a dream the pregnant woman I've been working with gave birth this afternoon.
She was reaching for something in her closet and then her water broke.
She had a baby girl.
Then I woke up.
I hope she and her baby are okay. |
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| Alive. |
[Oct. 25th, 2008|01:37 am] |
I feel so oddly energetic tonight.
I can literally smell the universe and feel every story.
I have no hate or sadness inside of me right now.
Even if I get nothing productive done right now.
Even if something bad may happen tomorrow.
These are the nights I live for.
Alive. |
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| Yes |
[Oct. 19th, 2008|11:50 pm] |
I am going to reboot myself.
When I have time from schoolstuff and work, and I finish drawing bits from Nhoor: Five Sisters and other projects, I'm going to continue with the fanart that makes me happy.
I don't want to hold back on posting/drawing even crappy stuff that I usually don't post.
Yet, I want to re-connect after the months of suspended animation.
Yes Avatar fanart.
Though the feeling of clarity is temporary it's good to look back on this feeling.
Hilarious and (hopefully not flame bait) self realization/confession on Avatar (fandom):
Yes, I once shipped Zutara (and once even drew raunchy fluff long ago) but that was before it was just for crack and before it became a form of unhealthy fandom cancer. I've long ago distanced myself from it and I'm glad that I did, seeing it as Zuko and Katara rather than Zutara.
I'm not really into slash or incest, but I'm getting better at accepting why I don't and how I don't have to go there.
I don't know why but I loved Kataang before, and it now feels ... weird? (I don't know why, maybe it was the fandom effect).
I want to like Maiko, but the more I try to like it, the more it feels unnatural. I still wish "The Beach" was written differently. I wish they had given more time to characterize Mai and given her some development (though she kicked ass in Boiling Rock).
I get more tickle out of seeing an individual character change, succeed and reveal little golden nuggets about their past and personality and interactions with others, than seeing them make out with another character (not that it's necessarily a bad thing when it's done sparingly).
... I feel so much better now having said that. XD
Someday I I want to go through my old drawings and draw fancomics about Song, Kenan and KelHakoda n Bato, the disbanded freedom fighters, and comics about Young Iroh n Ozai.
lolventing on animated shows aside,
It feels good to let loose, be silly and draw and talk to people again. Yes. |
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| Anne Marie brings a Vampire to Life |
[Sep. 16th, 2008|01:25 am] |
I wish I could have gotten more done under the clarity of
non-available electricity.
But I did not and I am ashamed.
I feel bad because though I had the time, I did not use it.
While others are writhing in discomfort while they still do not have power.
Or they cry because, unlike me, have lost everything that is supposed to be genuinely important.
Why? Because some form of lazy darkness keeps my mind too busy with stupid thoughts, and I hate it.
It is always like this.
But I cannot keep doing that.
We will keep going.
We will make it so
A friend of mine remembered this song and sent it to me. She is so kind despite her age.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0EDP9Sf4kE&feature=related
Oh it rings with the kind of sweetness
that makes an old woman remember
her first love,
her first kiss,
her first snowman,
her first day at school
the first day she realized
that everything is a story
and a story is everything. |
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| Find your Day |
[Sep. 3rd, 2008|11:29 pm] |
...
I want to have a day when I no longer have to feel such sadness at every waking moment.
Because I still have my stories to tell.
Tomorrow will be a good day.
P.S.
Booter and Kimchi I had a dream that the three of us went to New York.
We sat in a production meeting for Mike and Bryan's new animation project.
I miss you guys, everyday.
I know I may not always be around to chat with, n I'm sorry for that.
But I hope you are doing well. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2008|10:45 pm] |
I'm going to watch these until I fully realize how utterly hilariously stupid my own problems are.
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2008|01:58 am] |
Three months
-It is silly to think this way because there are people who, for example, have cystic fibrosis and cannot breathe, and people whose loved ones are hanging by a thread.
Silly in comparison, but then why do I feel this heaviness that is three times the weight of my physical body, and a feeling like my own heart is imploding inside of itself?
-And there are some around me who tire of my presence and I can easily see they are frustrated. I become afraid of them and that look they give me when I am wasting their time.
-I want to draw.
Sometimes I make myself when I remember nice things.
But my arms are stiff and a bit painful. And I don't want to force it for this is my only mechanism of connecting to life and I want to contribute my ability to the final part of stories I've enjoyed.
Three months. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 29th, 2008|07:05 am] |
Almost two months.
I still feel disoriented.
I dream about flying birds
and draw character designs to
ease the pain in my chest
and in my stomach. |
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| I wish... |
[Apr. 24th, 2008|02:00 pm] |
I am alone.
But I know I won't always be.
Someday when I die,
my body will break into
its most basic elements.
Until I become absorbed
into the earth.
Eons and eons later,
the earth will die too.
And become stardust
in the universe.
I will be part
of something again.
To the very end
of this little universe.
Timeless
Until Time itself ends
My last love song. |
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