Hello and Goodbye
This is going to be my last entry here.
I don't know why I felt compelled to do this now, but someone had posted on facebook how Avatar: The Last Airbender premiered for the first time 9 years ago, and I realize the enormity and largeness of the span of time that had passed.
I had to use three to four different logins before I remembered. That's how long it's been.
I'm not entirely sure I've used this account to its fullest potential for blogging.
A lot of social media platforms get bloated, then plateau and wither off, and one of them for me has been livejournal.
It has been nearly 10 years, I look at my older entries where I started, and realize how utterly young, naive, sad, shy and self isolating I was, in how I expressed myself here.
I do not regret being vague about my silly frustrations (and I look back on them, and they were SO embarrassingly silly, let me tell you), but also about being vague about my actual life.
I often envied people who were able to pour their hearts out online, and not feel at the back of their mind that they were being judged poorly or some aspect of their life mocked by the very people they called friends. Which whether or not I'm aware that has happened to me, which it may have, I don't know, I was not very self-aware of that or my behavior at the time, and even now.
But at the same time, I look back on some of the entries with bittersweet fondness, remembering the exact moment of where I was, the house I was in, and how I was blogging at the time. I remember at the height of me using this website, I was about 19 or 20, I was probably hopelessly in love, and our family was in a point of stasis in the U.S., and very passionately and fearlessly exploring the depths of my youthful expression through internet fan cartoons or comics.
Barely anything external changed, and I am alright with that! I accept it!
Internally, is another story. I was heartbroken, my family swept up in more struggle than I could bear, and I constantly felt there was no public space to vent and I would cry into the void, I was put in situations that I couldn't even imagine myself being in, and felt heavily ashamed I could not join my friends in their 'adult' and 'mature' world due to circumstances both beyond and above my control, with the strength I had at the time.
But slowly, I grew, like a plant. Slower than anyone around me, but I still grew.
At some point, I became more self aware of my surroundings, self-accepting and more assertive of myself, and the space I take up, and I am glad for it. It has taken a lot of work, and I look at others and myself with more love and tenderness, and yet protect the spaces and thoughts I occupy with more strength and sharpness. That it was alright to let it out.
At some point, perhaps this blogging website will slowly, very slowly, decay with time, and lack of traffic will force the server to purge all the information, will less resistance than expected, and all my memories here will fade.
If you are still here, If you are going through a tough time, I know you can make it. You are so strong.
If I have not spoken to you, and we are no longer friends on amicable terms, I accept that and most likely feel the distance between us is healthy, certain and better for us both on the long run. I am happy without you and it has taken time. I am so happy.
If you, as my friend, are still here, I am so happy I was able to spend time with you and how you were almost ten years ago! I hope you are doing well, and I quite bet you are. I am so proud of all of you.
"Isaia"is a grown woman.
My real name is Kim, I am awkwardly changing, and writing her small thoughts in this little space on the internet, laughing about cartoons, and growing braver by the day.
I realize the power in this.
Thank you. So much.
I don't know why I felt compelled to do this now, but someone had posted on facebook how Avatar: The Last Airbender premiered for the first time 9 years ago, and I realize the enormity and largeness of the span of time that had passed.
I had to use three to four different logins before I remembered. That's how long it's been.
I'm not entirely sure I've used this account to its fullest potential for blogging.
A lot of social media platforms get bloated, then plateau and wither off, and one of them for me has been livejournal.
It has been nearly 10 years, I look at my older entries where I started, and realize how utterly young, naive, sad, shy and self isolating I was, in how I expressed myself here.
I do not regret being vague about my silly frustrations (and I look back on them, and they were SO embarrassingly silly, let me tell you), but also about being vague about my actual life.
I often envied people who were able to pour their hearts out online, and not feel at the back of their mind that they were being judged poorly or some aspect of their life mocked by the very people they called friends. Which whether or not I'm aware that has happened to me, which it may have, I don't know, I was not very self-aware of that or my behavior at the time, and even now.
But at the same time, I look back on some of the entries with bittersweet fondness, remembering the exact moment of where I was, the house I was in, and how I was blogging at the time. I remember at the height of me using this website, I was about 19 or 20, I was probably hopelessly in love, and our family was in a point of stasis in the U.S., and very passionately and fearlessly exploring the depths of my youthful expression through internet fan cartoons or comics.
Barely anything external changed, and I am alright with that! I accept it!
Internally, is another story. I was heartbroken, my family swept up in more struggle than I could bear, and I constantly felt there was no public space to vent and I would cry into the void, I was put in situations that I couldn't even imagine myself being in, and felt heavily ashamed I could not join my friends in their 'adult' and 'mature' world due to circumstances both beyond and above my control, with the strength I had at the time.
But slowly, I grew, like a plant. Slower than anyone around me, but I still grew.
At some point, I became more self aware of my surroundings, self-accepting and more assertive of myself, and the space I take up, and I am glad for it. It has taken a lot of work, and I look at others and myself with more love and tenderness, and yet protect the spaces and thoughts I occupy with more strength and sharpness. That it was alright to let it out.
At some point, perhaps this blogging website will slowly, very slowly, decay with time, and lack of traffic will force the server to purge all the information, will less resistance than expected, and all my memories here will fade.
If you are still here, If you are going through a tough time, I know you can make it. You are so strong.
If I have not spoken to you, and we are no longer friends on amicable terms, I accept that and most likely feel the distance between us is healthy, certain and better for us both on the long run. I am happy without you and it has taken time. I am so happy.
If you, as my friend, are still here, I am so happy I was able to spend time with you and how you were almost ten years ago! I hope you are doing well, and I quite bet you are. I am so proud of all of you.
"Isaia"is a grown woman.
My real name is Kim, I am awkwardly changing, and writing her small thoughts in this little space on the internet, laughing about cartoons, and growing braver by the day.
I realize the power in this.
Thank you. So much.
